Sometimes, my ‘peeps’ and I like to try and pretend we are grown-ups. We’ll sit around the kitchen table, the soothing tones of BBC4 filling the background as we leaf through newspapers, pretending to be cultured and discussing current events. True to form, though, it never really seems to take very long for things to fall apart. Below, a slice from just such an evening.

* * * SCENE 14.2 * * *

The kitchen is cozy, decorated with tinsel and Christmas lights.
David and Rory sit on one side of the table, each with his own newspaper,
idly flipping through. Maya sits on the other side, surreptitiously scouring
the weekend supplement for news about celebrities, the only thing
she’s actually interested in. Rory and David are making small talk.

RORY: I heard there’s a Japanese production of Shakespeare’s Coriolanus on at the Barbican soon. It’s gotten brilliant reviews — we should go see it.

DAVID: Is that the one where they use like, seven different languages simultaneously?

RORY: Surely you must be thinking of Midsummer Night’s Dream.

DAVID: Ah, yes. Yes, you’re right. So was that production just a one-off then?

RORY: Yes, I’m fairly sure it was. I don’t know that it was even on in the city – it might just have been Stratford.

David makes a small grunt of acknowledgment and
turns a page of his paper.Rory looks down at his own
paper for a moment, then looks up suddenly.

RORY: OH! Did you HEAR about Lembit Opik?

DAVID: YES. My GOD.

MAYA: Who the hell is Lembit Opik?

RORY: Oh God, he’s this very well-respected British politician, a member of Parliament — I think he’s a Liberal Democrat –

DAVID: — and he’s had this really public, long-term relationship with this famous, respected weather forecaster woman — the only famous weather forecaster in England –

RORY: — she’s like, Oxbridge educated, and very kind of, dignified, and they were engaged to be married — and it’s just come out that he’s dumped her, and run off with a CHEEKY GIRL.

Expectant pause.

MAYA: What the HELL is a “cheeky girl”?

Stunned, slightly horrified silence.

RORY/DAVID: YOU DON’T KNOW THE CHEEKY GIRLS??

RORY: (voice full of pity) Oh, Maya.

DAVID: They sang “The Cheeky Song.” Do you not know “The Cheeky Song?”

MAYA: I think I might have missed The Cheeky Song.

RORY: They’re these twins, from like, Transylvania, and they have this little tiny Romanian mother who picks out all their outfits and dances and songs — she came up with the whole concept, really — and you can just tell from the interviews, this little old woman is like, a force of nature.

David: They were on X-Factor, I think. It’s like the British American Idol. They got kicked off really early because they were SO bad, but their song went to number one on the UK charts because of like, kitsch value.

RORY: You really don’t know the Cheeky Song?

MAYA: I really don’t know it. Is that the title?

DAVID: Yes. It’s actually called The Cheeky Song. Touch my bum.

Startled, Maya looks strangely at David. It is a look that clearly says,
No, Absolutely Not, I don’t care how amazing this particular fact may be,
I am SO not touching your bum that it is distinctly unfunny.
David clocks Maya’s look, and makes a pair of parantheses with his hands.

DAVID: “(Touch My Bum.)” In BRACKETS.

* * * END SCENE * * *

Please. Click the clips below and enjoy. The choreography is mind-blowing, and really, the accents alone are totally worth the five minutes of your life you will never get back:

THE CHEEKY SONG (TOUCH MY BUM)
Pay special attention to the lyrics. They will change the way you look at life.

HAVE A CHEEKY CHRISTMAS

HIGHLIGHT #1: The reindeer actually looks embarrassed to be involved. There’s a direct shot of it at the 01:08 mark, and it is clearly thinking GodDAMN, I need a new agent.

HIGHLIGHT #2: Approximately 01:20 into the video, the one on the left delivers the magical line “I will be your special DISH!” And it sounds distinctly like a threat. You will get chills.

HIGHLIGHT #3: In the very very last shot, one of them whispers a special Christmas message at the camera. The first time I saw it, I literally screamed and ran out of the room. It’s that good.